I Should Be Dead

I'm grappling with how to take it. As with some Nam vets, there's embarrassment at being alive. After all the drama, I should be dead. But the most recent comment on Wahnfried is, "Welcome news it is. Rock on!" I have to smile and say, "YESSS!"

Tears are close. I was there vicariously as She-of-the-Capri prepared to go. Once there, her photos at Dinosaur and Echo Park brought memories of our time together.

The Reed

Last night, as the the day's intensity sank in, I realized I'm beyond the four-year statistic of the second heart attack. 50% of those who experience an MI (myocardial infarction) have another within that time; there's usually not a third.

I've been granted a reprieve....or, at least, a stay of execution; it's overwhelming.

Each time I asked, and over the 30-minute interview I managed it thrice, Adam said infarctions are unpredictable; they can happen at any time. He told of a runner whose came the next day, when he was resting. It's like limbo, but we're all susceptible; we're all "dying." Serious illness elicits an acute awareness.

Pinkey's History

The best part was when he asked if I had any inclination toward depression or self harm. After nearly a lifetime of suicidal ideation and several attempts, the "No" came easily and was followed by resoundingly affirming enthusiasm; not an iota of dejection. She brought the years of work to fruition. And the tears...of relief and happiness flow.

Cardiac Rehab

It's a long "gym" with machines lining the promenade. At the back are some diagnostic tools, a rowing machine, a treadmill and a friggin' tv. There're two Adams; Adam 1, the supervisor, and Adam 2, a physical therapist; Yvonne & Javier assist. I had an appointment in February but The Deadly Virus forced a reschedule.

The "scene" was raucous when Michelle and I arrived but when I told Adam about the PTSD he quickly took us to a private room. After the history-taking I clambered aboard the treadmill and did a few wind-sprints at 2 mph (3.2km/hr) for about a minute or so. Then it was on to the recumbent bicycle where I lasted 8 minutes at a sedate amble. We wrapped it up with an ergomometer.

We were there almost two hours. Most folks are expected to come in three times a week, but the community center gym is quiet and we frequently have it to ourselves, so I declined. But we got a baseline and some good advice on how to guage the severity of the angina. Further!