It started around 4 pm and within a half hour I was hugging the bowl. The angina escalated to what felt like a full scale infarction. I was screaming.
I called hospice hoping to get some hand-holding. There's not much to be done unless you're willing to have an i.v. and I'm not.
There's liquid morphine, oxygen and maybe some aspirin to try and break up any clots...and just ride it out. Yuh either live or yuh don't.
I lived.
But at 8 pm it's starting to gear up for another.
To the bulwarks, knaves!
I'm taking strong(er) measures this time starting w a full ml (still a small dose) of morphine w a 4mg tab of hydromorphone (dilaudid) capped w 1mg of clonazapam, an anti-anxiety (benzodiazapine) that works synergistically w the opiates to help w shortness of breath and relieve angina.
Earlier, at the peak, i was ready to check out. But it's by appointment only. As horrible as it is, once I come down (Hey!!! I survived!), I'm focused on having another few hours with no terminal date or time.
This is the next battle...to have the cocktail available to people for when they're ready. This business of having to schedule is bullshit.
Hope you don't have another...
ReplyDeleteHoping the pain medication brings some relief. Agree that scheduling checkout seems a sucky hurdle at this point. I know it’s meant as part of a fully informed consent process but…not much help when the pain is coming in waves.
ReplyDeleteThat apointment crap does seem like bullshit, but one more level of checks and balances for an irreversible action. Maybe some sort of mandatory timer on the lock? That way when you key in the code in the midst of a bad session, if things have improved by the time the timer actually releases, you still have an oportunity to reconcider and let the lock-timer reset.
ReplyDeleteYour point is salient.
DeleteAt the peak had Dr. Hawk been standing there, I'd have gone for it. But after I managed to squirt a a mouthful of the pink morphine in and hold it for a few seconds (the blue causes immediate up-chucking) i had an inkling things were gonna improve. And they did. Thus, fifteen minutes later (liquid morph is fast!) even as i was still hunkering, there was the recognition of "life!" as being a miraculous state. This was a new experience that I attribute to the LSD. In the midst of so much discomfort, agony even, acid can provide unique perspectives and that felt like one of those moments.
Also, at the peak, there was a brief period, perhaps a minute long, in which everything stopped. The angina, nausea, headache, upper torso pain simply vanished. I could hear myself still screaming, but I wondered why. It felt similar to times when i've found myself crying though i had no sensation of sadness. It was as if i'd dissociated. In any case, i had the sense that maybe this was what happens as we reach the edge...something kicks in that neutralizes pain. It only lasted a short while but when i "returned," the volume on everything was significantly lower. I stayed on the floor for maybe ten minutes until boredom set in and i managed to stand. I spent another 10 minutes getting settled into being vertical and brushing teeth. Eventually, i made it back to bed. Lying down is often the best!