Now there's shortness-of-breath. I inhale but it feels as if I'm not getting enough air. I try telling myself it's psychological, like claustrophobia, but it only gets worse.
Jessica told of a woman who went three years struggling w it. She "ingested" (the MAID) Monday evening, the 9th; Jessica's aunt died that morning. How long will I go?
I hope a while. I look forward to seeing what you're up to....So now the pain is better managed, but you feel like you're not getting enough O2? Well crap.
ReplyDeleteOMG!!!
DeleteDear JudithK,
Thank you, but rereading this post, I was taken aback by the inadvertent melodrama. When I wrote it, it was almost rhetorical.
My question - of how long - has (over the years!) been something of a goad, prompting me to take stock and see what else I might be doing. And yet, isn't it the one each of us here is asking...at one level (of volume?) or another?
Though it - the question - really came to life (irony intended) when I had the heart attack in March of 2020, the death of Jessica's patient/friend and her aunt whose death was, as much as anything, a relief, brought the "issue" front & center.
Jessica's telling of her friend's struggle mirrors my own ambivalence around MAID. The feeling of not being able to get enough air (have you had the experience?) brings me close to panic.
John's suggestion about it being psychological is well put. My almost lifelong effort to dismantle a rough exterior facade (put in place at age 12) increasingly presents a double-edged sword. While being more vulnerable is providing a broader spectrum of emotions, I'm concomitantly brought up short by an embarrassing lack of curiosity about the "experience" (experience!) of dying...such as being unable to breathe.
Please forgive me for committing the faux pas of our generation by acknowledging your age, but as the elder in our group I would turn to you first and ask, "What keeps you going? Have you given thought to under what conditions you'd consider "checking out?"
(One of the moderators of a Death Café recently accused me of narcissism. She thinks my asking the question above is about validating my own rationale. Mebee I protest too much, but I maintain it is curiosity: perhaps I'll hear something I haven't thought of.)
Interesting. It my be a thin lin, but my take on asking questions like that isn't narcissism but rather an exploration of the world outside yourself in an effort to gain more perspective about yourself. Narcissism is negative, self-discovery is not.
DeleteSchadenfreude is not really relevant to a dying person, right? No joy in seeing others falter or die, because it becomes clear that we are all going to die, and it is your turn now.
DeleteAs for the other term, you may or may not be a narcissist, but it is not relevant now. As the viewer said, self discovery and perspective is the ending focus.
I think you've found some great ways to appreciate life with your current restrictions. I hope that you go awhile also. I would check with your docs about the current O2 situation to see if it's psychological or measurable.
ReplyDeleteThanks John, I'm fairly pleased with the way things are playing out.
DeleteI missed the implications in that last sentence though; I had no intention of evoking sentiment; was really just musing. Fact is, I'm enjoying the indoor plumbing.
Check your O2 with an oximeter ($30-$50, an drugstore).
ReplyDeleteYa gota do what's right for you, but I'd miss you if you weren't around. Besides, who would look after your investments?
ReplyDeleteThanks Greg. We, and I think I can speak for the others, definitely were glad when you came back.
DeleteAnd yes! By god! Having done everything else, I'm *determined* tuh git wealthy! In cash! (Few have had as great a wealth of love as I.)