When, several years ago I began my search for a guide, I hoped to alleviate my anxiety around dying. As an agnostic I've no concerns about an afterlife, but when I thought about utilizing the option of Medical Aid in Dying (MAID) in order to avoid the excruciating pain of another heart attack, I felt a deep-seated fear that was too strong to transcend.
A lot has changed since I arrived in October of '23. The fear has eased, or, at least has appeared to. Still, I want to examine my motivations. Is consciousness, simply being aware, sufficient reason to continue. What if a stroke disables me and I cannot take the drugs of MAID?
It has taken a long time to get on hospice. And the fact that I am entitles me to MAID. But when?
Hopefully, today's journey on psilocybin provided some insight.
A sixty year friend died last fall. He has some autoimmune issues managed by drugs but a crazy cancer took him in 45-60 days. Raised in a hardcore Catholic home with a mentally ill mother and meek father he was an agnostic by age 18. Over his past few weeks I offered several times to arrange a visit or visits from any or several Pike ST escorts. Responding "Sorry, Art, I'm just past that" I thought the escorts could ease my oncoming grief and loss. The imagery of the second option remains but no pool tables were included. While not a declared agnostic I'm generally of the 'wait and see' and 'there might be something' perspective. My childhood involved very regular attendance at a Lutheran church that only a few decades before had stopped having Norwegian service. My friend and I would compare note re our respective abuses at the hands of the Luther/non-Luther structures. I suggested to him that the Catholic church had all those spooky rites ( really like that swinging smoke gizmo) and that not could I arrange for him a visit from a Catholic Priest but a Priest who'd worked at the Vatican which would certainly add some chevrons to the vestments, because 'there might be something.' He declined. He declined, also, on drugs because he claimed it added to his anxiety. What better time to stretch reality, or what we think is reality, than when time is a bit short.
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